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Thread: Peel Off Calendar Pages

  1. 05-07-2006, 12:06 PM #1
    PhilDernerJr
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    Peel Off Calendar Pages

    Every year, I get my father a peel-off calendar of some sort. They used to be Far Side comics, but the past few years it's been other kind of humorous themes.

    This year I gave him an American History one that is pretty funny, and an Onion one. So each day he peels off two pages that pertain to history and the news.

    When I go visit him, he gives me the ones that he felt were good enough to save. I thought I'd share a few with you folks here.




    April 3 - George Washington: "Jefferson, you're on the two. Hamilton? You get the ten. I'm calling dibs on the one, that's all me, baby. What's that, Adams? You wanted the one? All right, that's it: You don't get to be on anything. That's right, I'm taking back the quarter. Anyone else want to complain? I didn't think so."
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  2. 05-07-2006, 12:07 PM #2
    PhilDernerJr
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    May 4 - "Before 1920, women used to call Election Day "Stay Home and Cook Day". Although they won't admit it, women were much happier when all they had to do was bake **** and pump outkids.
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  3. 05-07-2006, 12:42 PM #3
    Matt Molnar
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    LOL.

    I have the 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Calendar.

    March 29:
    There's no doubt it will get done or not get done before the season starts.
    New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, talking about a contract extension for Mariano Rivera being done before the start of the season.

    May 2:
    Q: What was the best thing you read all year?
    Singer Justin Timberlake: You mean like a book?
    in a Rolling Stone interview

    May 6:
    No! I saw a vomiting crab.
    English subtitle in a Hong Kong kung-fu movie
    Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a small problem.
    All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get them under control.
    I trust you are not in too much distress. —Captain Eric Moody, British Airways Flight 9
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  4. 05-14-2006, 07:05 PM #4
    PhilDernerJr
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    May 11: "Your Unelected Founders"

    Alexander Hamilton

    Acheivements: Author of majority of federalist Papers, including the least boring ones.

    Reason why unelectable: Born in West Indies, so uncomstitutionally impossible. Had an unfortunate tendency to duel...and lose.
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  5. 06-01-2006, 08:05 PM #5
    PhilDernerJr
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    May 22

    In retribution for a speech insulting Southerners for their pro-slavery views, South Carolina Representative Preston Brooks beat Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner with a metal-topped cane in the Senate chamber. Though rendered unconscious, Sumner miraculously arose and retaliated with his trademark "Sumner Triple Suplex", thereby retaining the Senate Wrestling Federation championship belt.
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  6. 06-08-2006, 07:40 PM #6
    PhilDernerJr
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    These are some GREAT ones. HAHAHA

    June 2: "Distribution of Wealth". Computer models project a future in which the rich get richer and the poor poorer. By 2050, it is believed the meek shall inherit, at best, a **** sandwich.

    June 6:Thomas Jefferson had great success marketing tobacco. He is widely credited with inventing the cigarette slogans "All the cool kids are doing it!" and "You need something to do after ****ing a slave."
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  7. 07-09-2006, 05:50 PM #7
    PhilDernerJr
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    June 13: Socialist State

    Your typical day: Standing in line for tickets to the toilet paper line.

    Your standards breakfast: Vodka

    Favorite punk band: Ramones

    Why are you being jailed? First-degree yard sale

    Your pet peeves: Money

    June 22: The President: King of Democracy

    Thomas Jefferson. Died on the 50th Anniversary of the signing of the Declaration.

    Cause of death: Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

    July 5: Know Your Mascots!

    Uncle Same: A commanding mascot with extraordinary versatility, capable of leading men to feats of valor on the battlefield and to car dealerships for insanely low APR financing. Also famously nimble on stilts.
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  8. 08-15-2006, 07:10 AM #8
    PhilDernerJr
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    A favorite of mine:

    July 11:

    The Legend: Alexander Hamilton was shot and killed i a duel with Aaron Burr on July 11, 1804.

    What Really Happened: HAmilton and Burr were actually best friends. One day they were rooting around in Burr's dad's house after school and found a pistol behind a stack of old girlie pamphlets. Believing the pistol empty, Burr suggested they play Constables and Rogues. Minutes later, the architect of American capitalism was mortally wounded.
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  9. 08-26-2006, 10:54 AM #9
    Matt Molnar
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    From the 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar:

    August 25

    On Turns of Phrase, Unfortunate:

    "Reverend John, who is living with an openly gay partner, is no doubt feeling rather sore today." --newscaster Paul Handley
    Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a small problem.
    All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get them under control.
    I trust you are not in too much distress. —Captain Eric Moody, British Airways Flight 9
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  10. 10-14-2006, 08:56 AM #10
    PhilDernerJr
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    August 31:

    Controversial Supreme Court Nominees:

    John Rutledge

    Nominated by: George Washington

    Reason why controversial: Rumors of mental illness

    How crazy was he? Believed the CIA had implanted mind-control chip in brain - 163 years prior to the invention of either. Also, ate gavels.

    September 5:

    Famous Last Words: "Good thing these tickets were free, Major Rathbone. This play su-"

    - Abraham Lincoln, April 14, 1865

    September 13:

    "Chinese History: Marco Polo discovered China by repeatedly shouting out his first name, then waiting for China to respond with his last.
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