Funny ATC/Pilot exchanges.

I dont know if this is old but i enjoyed it




Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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My favorite.
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at Lon don 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don 't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

i've seen those all before, this one may be new to most of you:

Clnc: DAL1102, squawk 0476
Pilot: Say again...
Clnc: Squawk 0476.
Pilot: Four, zero...
Clnc: Need an easier one?

An old one from the military world:

"Joker 31, say fuel state"
"Fuel state"
"Say again"
"Again"

And a real one I heard this summer at FRG:

Pilot (after a series of touch and go's): "Tower, this next one will be a full stop."
Tower: "Negative, you need to keep doing touch and go's until you run out of gas."

Heard this one in Fort Myers once. Someday I'll post the tape...

Pilot 1: "Fort Meyers, Cactus 1529. Flight level 12 we flew through some birds, be advised."
RSW Tower: "Understood. Were they geese or gulls?"
Pilot 1: "They were gulls."
RSW Tower: "Citrus 1101, be alert, report of flock of seagulls, will be at your 12."
Pilot 2: "Flock of Seagulls, Citurs 1102."
Unknown Pilot: "I thought bad 80's music finally went away..."

Ground Controller; "Didn't I tell you to move that piece of **** already?"

does computer associates still keep airplanes at FRG? this was from a few years ago:

Quote:

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Gulfstream 8CA: Republic tower, Gulfstream 8CA is over Captree Bridge with Romeo, inbound touch-and-go.
FRG Tower: Gulfstream 8CA, say again your request?
Gulfstream 8CA: 8CA is over Captree, inbound VFR, requesting touch-and-go.
FRG Tower: Standby 8CA.
FRG Tower: (after brief pause) Gulfstream 8CA, we would love to see that, report right downwind 1-9, touch-and-goes on request.
Gulfstream 8CA: Right downwind 1-9.
Gulfstream 8CA: Tower, 8CA is right downwind.
FRG Tower: Roger 8CA, make short approach, cleared touch-and-go 1-9.
Gulfstream 8CA: short approach, cleared touch-and-go.
Mooney 4681N: republic tower, Mooney 4681N is on the ILS 1-4, circle to land 1-9.
FRG Tower: Roger Mooney 81N, proceed on the ILS approach, traffic is a touch-and-go G-5 that is in the upwind of 1-9 at the moment and will be making right traffic. Cleared missed approach, make left traffic.
Mooney 81N: say again tower, touch-and-go G-5?
FRG Tower: that's correct 81N.
Mooney 81N: Uh... cleared missed approach, Mooney 81N.
Mooney 81N: 81N going missed.
FRG Tower: Roger 81N.
Gulfstream 8CA: Tower, 8CA is right downwind, touch-and-go.
FRG Tower: Gulfstream 8CA, you are number 2 right now behind a Mooney currently turning left base.
Gulfstream 8CA: Number 2 behind the Mooney, 8CA.
FRG Tower: Mooney 81N, cleared to land.
Mooney 81N: Roger tower, cleared to land, 81N.
FRG Tower: Gulfstream 8CA, cleared touch-and-go.
Gulfstream 8CA: Cleared touch-and-go, 8CA.
Gulfstream 8CA: Tower, 8CA is right downwind 1-9, full stop this time.
FRG Tower: Is playtime over for 8CA?
Gulfstream 8CA: For now at least, it's time to pick up the boss.
FRG Tower: Ok then, make short approach, cleared to land.
Gulfstream 8CA: Cleared to land, 8CA.
FRG Tower: Gulfstream 8CA, contact ground on .6, good day. You can tell the boss we made you do that.
Gulfstream 8CA: Roger, 8CA. Good day.

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