Peel Off Calendar Pages

Every year, I get my father a peel-off calendar of some sort. They used to be Far Side comics, but the past few years it's been other kind of humorous themes.

This year I gave him an American History one that is pretty funny, and an Onion one. So each day he peels off two pages that pertain to history and the news.

When I go visit him, he gives me the ones that he felt were good enough to save. I thought I'd share a few with you folks here.




April 3 - George Washington: "Jefferson, you're on the two. Hamilton? You get the ten. I'm calling dibs on the one, that's all me, baby. What's that, Adams? You wanted the one? All right, that's it: You don't get to be on anything. That's right, I'm taking back the quarter. Anyone else want to complain? I didn't think so."

May 4 - "Before 1920, women used to call Election Day "Stay Home and Cook Day". Although they won't admit it, women were much happier when all they had to do was bake **** and pump outkids.

LOL.

I have the 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Calendar.

March 29:
There's no doubt it will get done or not get done before the season starts.
New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, talking about a contract extension for Mariano Rivera being done before the start of the season.

May 2:
Q: What was the best thing you read all year?
Singer Justin Timberlake: You mean like a book?
in a Rolling Stone interview

May 6:
No! I saw a vomiting crab.
English subtitle in a Hong Kong kung-fu movie

May 11: "Your Unelected Founders"

Alexander Hamilton

Acheivements: Author of majority of federalist Papers, including the least boring ones.

Reason why unelectable: Born in West Indies, so uncomstitutionally impossible. Had an unfortunate tendency to duel...and lose.

May 22

In retribution for a speech insulting Southerners for their pro-slavery views, South Carolina Representative Preston Brooks beat Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner with a metal-topped cane in the Senate chamber. Though rendered unconscious, Sumner miraculously arose and retaliated with his trademark "Sumner Triple Suplex", thereby retaining the Senate Wrestling Federation championship belt.

These are some GREAT ones. HAHAHA

June 2: "Distribution of Wealth". Computer models project a future in which the rich get richer and the poor poorer. By 2050, it is believed the meek shall inherit, at best, a **** sandwich.

June 6:Thomas Jefferson had great success marketing tobacco. He is widely credited with inventing the cigarette slogans "All the cool kids are doing it!" and "You need something to do after ****ing a slave."

June 13: Socialist State

Your typical day: Standing in line for tickets to the toilet paper line.

Your standards breakfast: Vodka

Favorite punk band: Ramones

Why are you being jailed? First-degree yard sale

Your pet peeves: Money

June 22: The President: King of Democracy

Thomas Jefferson. Died on the 50th Anniversary of the signing of the Declaration.

Cause of death: Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

July 5: Know Your Mascots!

Uncle Same: A commanding mascot with extraordinary versatility, capable of leading men to feats of valor on the battlefield and to car dealerships for insanely low APR financing. Also famously nimble on stilts.

A favorite of mine:

July 11:

The Legend: Alexander Hamilton was shot and killed i a duel with Aaron Burr on July 11, 1804.

What Really Happened: HAmilton and Burr were actually best friends. One day they were rooting around in Burr's dad's house after school and found a pistol behind a stack of old girlie pamphlets. Believing the pistol empty, Burr suggested they play Constables and Rogues. Minutes later, the architect of American capitalism was mortally wounded.

From the 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar:

Quote:

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August 25

On Turns of Phrase, Unfortunate:

"Reverend John, who is living with an openly gay partner, is no doubt feeling rather sore today." --newscaster Paul Handley

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August 31:

Controversial Supreme Court Nominees:

John Rutledge

Nominated by: George Washington

Reason why controversial: Rumors of mental illness

How crazy was he? Believed the CIA had implanted mind-control chip in brain - 163 years prior to the invention of either. Also, ate gavels.

September 5:

Famous Last Words: "Good thing these tickets were free, Major Rathbone. This play su-"

- Abraham Lincoln, April 14, 1865

September 13:

"Chinese History: Marco Polo discovered China by repeatedly shouting out his first name, then waiting for China to respond with his last.